I am so very tired.

Some days are just too much to take.
This giant snowball is going to crash someday
and my head is going to explode.

Yes.
Thank you for being here.
Though i have so much doubts, nonetheless i thank you.

Why is everything happening to me at the same time?
How the fuck am i suppose to cope with everything?

I hate being in the hospital.
I hate being in the hospital where people are lying weak and sick in beds.
I hate being in the hospital where everything smell sterilized.
I hate being in the hospital where doctors and nurses come and go.
I hate being in the hospital where machines beeped incessantly through the day and night.
I hate being in the hospital where i have to watch an old lady struggle to breathe through the night.
i hate being in the hospital where i have to listen to her wheezing and choking with each breath.
I hate being in the hospital where i have to wait for answers and confirmations.
i hate being in the hospital where i cannot rest.
i hate being in the hospital.

When i pretended that everything is ok, stop asking awkward questions, smile, be nice, be understanding...

does that mean that i am alright, that i am being patient, being your anchor, being strong?

What do you really expect me to do?
What do you really expect yourself to do?

I think we are all trying to cope.
But really, how?

I am sorry.

Two sides of a same coin.

I think about how i feel.
You feel about how you think.

Today i realized that i use my head quite a bit.
Reasons are important to both of us.
Except i tried to seek them in emotions,
while you seek them in rational thoughts and actions.
Perhaps i am meticulous and think too much.
I formulate all possible reasons or scenarios without actual actions.
While you will act first, hoping reasons will follow.
I am too careful?
You are too impulsive?
And all these time i thought you were too rational and i am too emotional.
In some ways, i attempt to think more than you feel, and you attempt to feel more than i think.

Sometimes, i wonder what i am saying.
Yes.
What am i saying again?

Am i a selfish person?

I wanted so much to not think.
When i think, i question.
When i question, it wears people down.
It wears me down.
But how does one stop thinking?
I don't think you will approve of my methods really.

Yes. I guess you can say that i am driving myself crazy.

She is very pretty is she not?

Of course they are over.
He said so.

Oh please then, someone,
get these images out of my head!
Get these thoughts out of my mind!
A park.
The long pavement.
A blue shirt.
Short hair.
A man and woman walking.
"Go to her before she leaves"
Running.
Talking.
Sorry?
You didn't see me.
A junction.
The phone rings.

Please, someone, get these images out of my head!
Get these thoughts out of my mind!

What does it matter?
What does it matter to me?
The phone rings.
Why?
Why can't we be left alone?
Why?

Just get these thoughts out of my mind.
Please.
Someone.

Am i still awake?

I want to get everything that had happen out of my head.
I want to get her out of my head.
I want to get him and her out of my head
I want to scream!

Realization no. 42:

It has been 44 days exactly.

So much has happened in the last 48 hours. I don't even know how to begin. Perhaps a need to type it all out before everything gets whitewashed by time. He told me its over between them. Gave me hope. And yet, he lingered. I saw them yesterday. It was supposably the last time they meet, for him to resolve things. Except that he came back to tell me sorry. Sorry? We cried together. And he changed his mind again.

In my mind i kept saying, "don't give me hope", "let me go", "it hurts". Over and over again. He wouldn't let go of me. I wanted so much to believe when he said that i meant more to him. That he was impulsive. That he called her immediately to tell her its over. For sure. Its over. He did call. But it wasn't over. She called him again and again. And they met this afternoon, again for "the last time". He asked me to stay. To wait. I meant more. He would hurt more if it was the other way round. We cried. Tears. He said, he had never cried so much over a woman. Me. That must mean something.

What am i thinking? So many things he had said. So many tears. Each time she called, my heart clenched as i watched him answer it. He said he came back. But did he? He said he would try out the relationship with me. But will he? He said i meant more. We meant more. No phone calls from me meant more than 100 phone calls from her. Yet why did he linger? I told him to let me go. He asked me to stay. He would be strong for the two of us. Hold us together. Can i trust him? Can i trust myself to hope again? Don't let me hope again. It hurts. I took such good care of your heart that i forgotten about mine.

So much tears. So much emotions. I almost felt like i could believe it again. He asked me to be strong. For him. For my family. Everything we said, we did, felt raw. Emotional. Real. The look on his face. His anxiety. His sincerity. Or i thought it was what i felt. Or is it? I cannot be sure. I cannot trust myself or how i feel. Stay? Its over? Try? Will he hold me, hold us together? It seemed so real? Dare i hope that it is real? Don't give me hope. I can't take it anymore. He seemed so sure, so convicted. But didn't he just change his mind in an instance just few hours before? I saw her. He said he was impulsive. Is he impulsive with me? Do i really meant more to him? I slapped him.

Its tiring. For me. For him. Each time she called, his face changed. He said she is still in his heart. But so am i? So am i. He asked me for patience. Don't give me hope. I can't take it anymore. It hurts. Does he know that? Does he know the implications? Stay. Stay and be patience, be his anchor. I wished i was stronger. He cannot bear perhaps to be cruel and stopped her calls once and for all. Is that being fair if he said he wanted to try with me? Does it matter? He said he needed time. Every hour passed and it began to felt less and less emotional, more rational. Till finally, he turned and said that he couldn't promise things would not end in the future. Or near future. But he promised to try. How? A final disclaimer after all that emotions. Oh yes. Its drama. Perhaps he lived in that drama.

When did everything became rationalized again? Did you already forgotten what you have said? Forgotten when you held me and asked me to stay and not go? That you needed me as well to stay? I heard you told her that i needed you. Do you need me? You made a choice and its me. What does that mean? It meant that you will try but sorry babes, there aint no garantees in this world. Live with it. You began to prepare me for failure before we even started. But yes, i understood. Its only rational. Suddenly all the tears seem forgotten. Perhaps there had been too much tears. Just when i thought i could see your heart, it turned out to be an illusion. Everything covered again. I couldn't be sure that i have felt all the emotions. Such an about-turn it was. And we are back to being formal. Don't give me hope. Yes, you didn't.

Am i unhappy? No. You came back didn't you? You said you will end it with her. It ended, didn't it? Am i unhappy? No. I am perhaps numbed. Don't lie to me. I cannot take it anymore. Don't lie to yourself. It all sounded so real when both of us were crying. When the tears stop, rationality sets in. That's good. You didn't give me hope. Try. We are going to try. You promised. Thats what you told her as well. Do you love her? What is love to you really? You said you love me twice today, this morning. I couldn't believe my ears. But you repeated it. You said you never cried so much with a woman or felt so much pain and emotions. Perhaps it was all in the moment. In the evening, you didn't remember. And if you did, it must have been with regrets. So yes, we will try. I am not unhappy. Happy? Should i be? She will still call and linger. You will let her. You will be rational. Hide all the evidence that you had used any emotions with me. Was it an emotional choice or a rational choice? Is that important? I am important to you, you said. You decided with your mind and your heart. But when i left, you said goodbye with your mind. Your heart was hidden again. We try?

I have wished for so long for this. Perhaps my ordeal is really over. Perhaps it is just began. But i cant help but try because i love this man who does not love me. This rational man that would kill his emotional twin if he can. Because that is the only way he can go through life and his work without hindrance. I missed the one that hugged me close when we slept. The one that asked me to stay with his voice breaking, with tears washing his face. The one that cried with me. The one i slapped. And i will try. Will stay. Will be an anchor. Be strong. Don't give me hope? But i have already taken some. A slow acting poison. But I have already taken some.

I wished.
I received.
And i thank you.
Perhaps it will be easier to die at a later time.
Perhaps.

How does one emerge from a pit of ashes and live?

I am quite ready to go.
To sacrifice?
To leave.
To stop you from having to do this difficult thing.

What is 24 hours?

I see your pain
your indecision.
What does that mean to me?
Perhaps i am quite ready to go.

What is 9 hours?
What is holding close?
What is lingering?
What does that mean for us?
Perhaps i am quite ready to let go.

Perhaps?

What is trying?
What does that constitute?
Somedays i wish i am wrong.
What did we go full circle for?
What does it mean, this lingering?
I am quite ready to move away.
Really.

At least some of us will get some sleep.
Perhaps.
What is time?
What are years?
What is letting go?
I think i should, don't you think?

Yes, i am quite ready to go.
Quite.

Tomorrow has not come yet.

Ever have the feeling of being in a dream
and waking up to another?
Endless cycles of dreams
one after the other.
Endless images replaying.
Endless touch and kisses.
Endless hugs and laughter.
And yet,
Endless pain and tears.
Endless worries and insecurities.
Endless words repeating.

Over and over again.
As i woke up from one dream
to the next
without end.

It is me to hide my dreams, my hopes and my fears in words.
Words.
Poetry?
It is just me.
I dream of tomorrow.
I hope for tomorrow.
I fear tomorrow.

I am scared about tomorrow.

It has been 37 days exactly.

A month and one week.

I am so tired.
So so tired.
My body goes walking, smiling, talking.
My soul remains anchored to a world that probably no longer exist.

Perhaps it is good that they are separated.
This dichotomy is good.
Then it is possible not to think too much or feel too much.
Because my body and soul have been disconnected.
One left to just feel.
One left to just think.
Separate the pain. Divide it. Halve it.
So that everything is bearable for now.

My soul dreamt of iceland.
Trekking through the snow.
But yet, my body cannot feel the cold.
You were there.
You told me to get warm.
A red jacket.
A pair of red mittens.
Suddenly i am warm again.
Again?
I did not realized that i was cold.

My soul has been separated from my body.
That makes the pain more bearable for now.

Bon voyage babes.
Have a good trip.

I will leave me alone today.

Another day.

Another day has passed.
Am i closer?
Am i further?
Where am i?
Another day is coming.
Where will i go?
Where will i be?
Am i there yet?

Another day leaves me hanging on
for Another day.

Walking in the streets of Guangzhou

Walking in the streets of Guangzhou
and i walk in the streets of
Chengdu
Kunming
streets
cities
in december again.

Did it rain?
It is winter again.
Cold and...
but where is my gloves? scarf?
Where are you?

You turned into a corner.
Who is next to me?
I am following others footsteps
but it is you i see.
Who am i following?
What did you see?
Did you see?

Walking in the streets...
Chengdu
Kunming
Guangzhou?
You are next to me.
Are you?
I am following others footsteps
but i am following you.

I want to hole up somewhere warm
and stop thinking.

You are off looking for answers.
Perhaps you do not see that they have been always there looking back you.

Rationality.
Clear, cold, well thought out decisions.

Am i too emotional?
I feel too much?
I think too much?

Cautious.
Must be Cautious.
Clear, cold, well thought out decisions.

What just happened?

Beyond a reasonable doubt.
Beyond reasonable doubts.

Perogative.
Yours?

Am i too emotional?
I feel too much?
I think too much?

Cautious.
Well thought out decisions.
Reasonable doubts.

We felt.
Didn't we?
For a pure moment.
Giddiness.
We felt.
Didn't we?

Cautious.
Beyond a reasonable doubt.
Clear, cold, well thought out decisions.

I am too emotional.
I think, i feel too much.
Beyond thinking.
Beyond doubts.
For a pure moment.
We felt.

You were happy to see me, that i am sure.

I am leaving for a week.
What does it all mean?
How much has changed?
How much has not changed?

What does it all mean really?

I am so egocentric. Why can't i write about anything else? Why can't i write about the world? About india? About air plane crushing? About Miss Universe? About World cup? Why does it always have to be me me me and me?

Why?

Because at this moment in time, i can't see beyond myself.
Nothing else exist.
Nothing else matters.

I am like a tightly wound violin string.
A light tap and i would snap.

I am sorry to have lost control infront of my mother.
I can't let her know.
Not yet.
I can't deal with any more pressures.

I know all of you are concerned about me.
And i thank you.

Dare i hope?

"Our system is not getting a respond from the subscriber's mobile phone. Please, try again later"

The first time in 23 days when i am actually happy to hear this message.

It is like waiting for a death sentence.
Knowing that you face the executioner
and yet still have hopes for a last minute reprieve.

I am falling in a well.
Falling and falling.
I am praying for my soul.
Preparing to hit bottom and die there.
Almost prepared.
Despite all the preparations,
I am wishing
no, hoping
that there is a trampoline at the bottom of the well.
And yet, frightened that i am deluding myself
and would then never be fully prepared
prepare to die
prepare to accept.

If only words can be a form of consolation to me, but what it does is set forth to make everything painfully clear and etched in reality. No longer in the vaguenss of one's mind and imagination. That is the power of words. Typed and written. In black, blue, red, green, yellow. It sets up boundaries and make ideas and feelings concrete. Gives them a set value. To voice out is fleeting. To think is fleeting. To write is to fix it in stone. For you to look at over and over again. Does it clarify? At times painfully so. Its like picking at your scabs and watching them bleed. It hurts but you cannot help it. It is difficult to write and write i must. But it is no form of consolation. Nothing is. Words make me ever deeper entrenched in the hopelessness of the situation. Only because the writer is not able to see beyond the mountain for she faces only a cliff that drops straight into nothing. Not time nor space. So no, writing is not a comfort nor catharic. I write in pain, and i read in pain and so, my words are painful. To me. When everything is written down, i cannot ignore it. I cannot lie and the thoughts would not escape me into oblivion despite what i may do to myself. I have taken thoughts in my head and externalized them, so that they are no longer my own, or under my control. I have given birth to them, given them form through a torturous labour. Yet these are mine, as they are no others. Hence only i could bleed. Only I. No one can help me. And most certainly not words.

If everyone else can let go, why cant i?

Because i don't want to.

Why don't i want to?

Because i love him.

Why do i love him?

Because i do.

Am i stupid?

Probably. But it doesn't change anything.

What if he doesn't ever want me back?

No. Please don't say that.

But what if?

No. No.

Will i be alright?

I don't know.

Will i be alright?

Please don't ask me that.

Will i be alright?

Will i?

Who should let go first?
If anyone could let go at all.

Red: 9/100 Blue: 20/100 White: 13/100 Yellow: 3/100

Take the Color Code Test
by Dano

Time.
ONS.
Dark Waters.
Talk.
Time.
Thailand.
Think.
ONS.
Wait.
Think.
Indonesia.
SMS.
Wait.
Phone.
Talk.
Car.
Not the same.
Hand.
Same.
Touch.
Feelings.
Hanging on.
Let go.
Think.
Scratch head.
ONS.
ONS.
Confused.
Trapped.
Think.
Think.
Security.
Comfort.
New.
Excitement.
White.
Soft.
Pale.
Boring.
Think.
Think.

Nothing.

Would anyone like to have a big fat cuddly cat?

And she thinks i am stalking her?
Am i a psycho or something?

Yes, i have my head on alright.
Its just the rest of my body which is on skewed.